Uncertainties....

I feel like I've reached the end of the sidewalk

The past few weeks have been rough. I've been up and down. Emotionally drained and just plain exhausted. But it's funny how Jesus uses those times to challenge you and teach you the most. The place I'm at, I'm honestly at a loss for words. I feel like I've been feeling so much, it would be impossible to relay those emotions to anyone. But I'll try to express them as best I can.

I met with a Missionary last week and it was an odd mix of encouragement and disappointment. He wasn't disappointing, just some of the things he said. The wonderful part was that he completely understood my heart for Russia, he was on the same page and gave me such encouragement and constructive information. God blessed me with that insight. The problem was that with that insight came realism. My least favorite thing. FACT: I have to have literally all my money by June 15th, which is coming up quickly ($2,000 & I only have about $250). Not to mention, I have to have all my paper work finished in the next month (the Russians are sticklers for documents) so this is highly unlikely. Also, I need to have solid contacts, places to crash, and travel plans. FACT: I should probably go with some sort of group for a short term trip just so I can learn the country before I do anything on my own. Shew, that's a lot of hard facts. And the hardest of all: I'm crazy if I think I can do all this before August......He did however leave me with the reminder that God can do anything.



After that meeting I was so overwhelmed I couldn't even think about Russia. I just put it aside for a few days so I could sit down and actually process it all. And when I finally did, I completely broke down. If I don't go to Russia this summer, does that make me a failure? Am I disappointing everyone that has helped me and believed in this vision? Am I incapable of completing this task that Jesus asked me to do? Am I too lazy for this vision? Have I not done enough? What more can I do? Where do I even BEGIN? I felt like I was drowning in all these doubts and uncertainties...I felt so helpless. I wish that I could say I had some wonderful revelation and all the doubts floated away but sadly they didn't. Only more thoughts flooded my mind....



I miss my friends. I miss the way things were. I miss late night walks and intentional Jesus talks. I miss bike rides and music sessions. I've disappointed a lot of people. I hurt friends and family. I wonder what I'm going to do when I graduate. What if I fail a class and can't graduate? Why do I feel like everyone around me is running at full speed and I'm just watching them from the sidelines?....



...all of these are completely irrelevant to Russia, but they added to the overwhelming-ness that is my heart at the moment. I want nothing more to write some songs and get it out but I can't even do that because I'm so distracted. Oh Jesus, I need you now. Like You said to the Father, "Remove this cup from me, not what I will but what You will."



No more FACTS, no more DOUBTS, just my HEART, so here it is:



The vision I see for this country is Real. It's the very desire of Jesus' heart. Eliminate doubts, subtract fears, erase hesitations and reality, and you're left with the fact that Jesus is Lord, He is capable of anything and everything. and He is the Lord of my life. Therefore I will believe that He can and will accomplish it. Whether it's this summer, this fall, or next summer, the vision doesn't change, the need in that country doesn't disappear, it only increases. So I pray my heart is made more desperate for this country, that I would strive for Jesus' sake, not my own. Jesus isn't apart of my vision, I am apart of His. Who know's how or when it will happen, but it will. I guess that's why this blog is called Journey to Russia. It's going to be a journey, and certainly not a short one. So all I ask is that you guys would continue to pray for me, for this country, and understand the longing that is in my heart for the Russian people. I believed in the words Jesus gave me when I started on this long road, and I believe in them now, "I know your deeds. Behold, I have set before you an open door that no one can shut." Revelation 3:8





I love you all,